I moved a lot throughout my life. When I said moved, it’s not always moving to another country or some remote small town (though I experienced those too). And when I said a lot, it’s not every month or every year. But, it’s pretty far that I had to find another friend, and it’s quite a lot because now I still cannot define my home.
Moving a lot does not mean I am now becoming a very adaptable human being. In fact, I am not. I took a very long time to get acquainted with the people, the place, the culture, and the habits, even until now. I remember when I moved to Holland, it was until the second block (meaning after three months) that I finally found my environment and opened up about myself. And now (of course, we need to blame the pandemic), I need at least one year to finally feel comfortable with the place I’m living in and make friends with people.
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Given that, I realize that I had this pressure to always maintain my past relationship and old best friends from my previous place(s). The ones that have the same vibe as me, share the same frequency, the ones that understand me, the ones that I call my very dear friends. It’s just that I don’t know if I would find other ones like them. I think this is also coherent with my habit of maintaining the comforts.
But the worse is that I always had this pressure to contact them (regularly), to maintain our connection. I don’t feel like seeing each others’ Instagram stories or reading each others’ tweets can be counted as one way of communication (in fact, it is!). I need a one-on-one conversation, be it through messenger, video call, or if the situation allows a face-to-face meeting. I’d like to know the stories of my best friends firsthand, intimately. that’s how clingy I could be.
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But growing up, of course, time and distance would not allow it. I also lose my energy. With some of my best friends, we grew apart. And I feel sad. I know that’s real life. What I want is somehow unrealistic. People get married (I do too!), have jobs and kids, and need to do some adult chores. Life becomes busy for all of us, so maintaining your relationship with so many people is not on top of your priority list.
Your circle gets smaller, indeed. But, in my case, I have this feeling to keep the size of my circle stays the same. Of course, it is not possible. As I said, I don’t have the energy. I began to lose contact with some of them. I just watched their life from 15 seconds videos. To some of them, I tried to keep communicating, but it sometimes ended up being one-sided. I felt rejected, disappointed, and sad. Then I stop trying.
I even say to myself, “adult friendship is hard, that’s why we need to make an effort”. But, I must add: “the effort should be from both sides, otherwise, it won’t work”.
Slice of Life 
It’s definitely the combo between age and location that turns us to be more “selective” in friendship. I’m a natural introvert although I could be all party and fun if I wanted to, so I’m happy with my own company. All the friends that I have at the moment are of same variants, which mean we don’t always have the need to see each other all the time, but if we want, we can, no hard feeling, no “sombong banget, ngga pernah telpon2” hahahaha. We’re all adult with own obligations and lives.
That said, it’s extremely hard to find a new friend in a new country. Been there. Done that. But I’ve managed to gain some really good friends here, so it takes time. Be patience, and you will find 🙂
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That’s totally true, age and location do matter.
I used to have many friends in each place where I lived. Now seeing my friends who are still living in the same place and often meet one another, I must admit that I have that FOMO feeling (Haha!).
But yes, also acquiring new friend(s) in a foreign country is not easy. I have been in Belgium for two years and only gained one good friend here. I don’t think I can manage more with my current state, but the combination of those things makes me feel a bit lonely and finally try so hard to maintain the ‘connection’ with my old friends.
Anyway, thanks! You give me hope that I can gain some good friends if I have more patience 🙂
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Hai mbak, sebelumnya terima kasih ya udah mampir ke tulisan saya tentang mencari teman di Belanda. Ternyata kita sesama pendatang juga ya 🙂
Saya jadi tergelitik mau komen di sini. Saya kayaknya tipe orang yang “punya temen ya untung, ngga juga ngga papa”. Sekarang sih masih terjaga dengan teman2 di Indonesia lewat media sosial, tapi ya kalau gayung bersambut ya hayuk, kalo cuma bales2an emoji ya juga ngapain. Ada nih satu temen TK yang konek lagi beberapa tahun lalu, terus sekarang tetep follow2an di medsos dan saya suka banget sama anaknya. Tiap saya pulang kampung sekarang selalu coba sempatkan ketemu dia atau kirim oleh2 untuk dia dan anaknya kalau sempat.
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Hi! Salam kenal, ya! Belum sempat drop komen, tapi aku menikmati membaca tulisan-tulisannya, karena pernah tinggal dan sekarang (setengah) tinggal di Belanda juga.. 🙂
Sebenernya mungkin salah satu hal yang bikin aku merasa pressure untuk maintain teman-teman adalah karena suka sedih kalau telat tau ada teman kena musibah, jadi suka ada penyesalan di hati ‘kenapa ya aku ga jaga komunikasi jadi bisa lebih tau keadaan beliau’. Haha tapi pelan2 ya mengurangi pressure itu ke diri sendiri karena sadar ga mungkin bisa jaga hubungan seerat itu, saling doain aja 😀
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Membaca ini aku hanya bisa “Ya ya ya yaaa setuju setujuu” :’)))
Bagian konklusi pun terasa bittersweet:
I even say to myself, “adult friendship is hard, that’s why we need to make an effort”. But, I must add: “the effort should be from both sides, otherwise, it won’t work”.
Beberapa bulan lalu aku sampai baca2x perihal let go of a friendship gracefully… ada masa di mana aku nangis2x (karena kok ya sedih ya), dan akhirnya di titik yang sudah siap melepas. Sekarang rasanya lebih ringan, tidak berharap dikontak dan ga merasa ada keharusan mengontak. Walau mgkn ada titik bisa bertemu dan catch up kembali, tapi ya untuk sementara waktu low maintenance friendship will do.
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Huhu.. bagian let go of a friendship gracefully aku masih naik turun nih, Uni.. suatu hari udah ikhlas, tapi di hari lain bisa sedih. Tapi, memang untuk kondisi sekarang (hidup berjauhan & sudah sibuk masing-masing), low maintenance friendship memang paling pas.
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